A Tended Heart — casebaxwilson.com

Do you ever have that moment of looking back on a season of your life when understanding suddenly clicks into place?

That’s how I’ve been feeling recently. We’ve got our feet firmly planted in the season of fall, but I’m still living in the revelation of understanding that summer brought for me.

Anticipating summer was daunting. I love my kiddos but the idea of having all of them all the time with no breaks with school brought me some anxiety. Fast forward to the conclusion of summer, and I’m once again reminded of one of my idiosyncrasies: anticipation of the thing is almost always worse than the thing itself. When I had summer in the rearview, I was actually sad to see it go and overflowing with gratitude for how it was with my kids.

Don’t get me wrong, summer had some challenges involving a potential septic replacement (psych there was a filter where there shouldn’t have been and viola it was fixed), a weird injury for our dog that improved by the end of the day, a van running issue, and the AC going out for several days with our home thermostat reading 80 degrees (woof, and to those who lent us AC units and fans, BLESS you). July, in particular, was not what I’d call the kindest month, but we made it.

There was a simplicity with my kids this summer, a contentedness to be mostly with just them and our little family. Perhaps it was their ages (everybody can very proficiently get themselves from point A to point B), but mostly, I think it was the Lord’s grace.

In the landscape of my life

You don’t rush through any season

You always take Your time

A careful hand, a gentle guide

You take what’s dead away

And You prune what’s running wild

The understanding that clicked into place was a reorienting of my priorities. Being a stay-at-home mom is valuable and holy work, and also can feel limiting when it comes to ease and availability with socializing kid free. Add a spouse who is in grad school into the mix, and the social calendar potential dwindles rapidly.

While a desire for more time with community is not inherently a bad thing, it can get placed on the wrong priority-level. That misplacement can have more effects than might meet the eye. A sense of discontentment can bleed into many areas of life, largely with how I interact with my kids and Ronny.

But underneath, the real heart issue that needed tending was missing Him, missing Jesus. Somewhere along the way, my calibration got off, and truly, deeply, feeling and believing He was all I needed were not fundamental pieces of my heart. It’s not as though I dismissed Him, but there was a root running deep that needed to be dealt with because it was allowing unwanted weeds to grow.

So be the gardener of my heart

Tend the soil of my soul

Break up the fallow ground

Cut back the overgrown

And I won’t shy away

I will let the branches fall

So what You want can stay

And what You love can grow

I’ll be honest and admit that there were certainly lonely times in the summer, but the main takeaway for me was essentially a restructuring of my heart so that things settled into the correct order.

Through winter, I’m still alive

What You’ve planted in the dirt

Is ever reaching to the light

You prepare me for darkened times

You’ll sustain what You have started

And You’ll teach me to abide

This work is something that’s been in process for more than just this summer, but that season was the time it finally clicked into place. I still have to remind myself that there will be times when Ronny and I can just go on a date or get coffee or finish a sentence with ease, and I know I’ll have moments of being glad, but I’ll also likely wish for the chaos back. Certain things are not fruit for me to have in this season. That can be hard to swallow sometimes, but mostly, it’s freeing. Some of these things I wish I had, they aren’t meant for me right now because what’s in front of me is what He intended for me in this season.

Have Your way in me

Let it grow, let it grow, let it grow

I’ll remain in You

You’ll remain in me

And I will trust Your timing

I’ll remain in You

You’ll remain in me

From the start until the ending

‘Cause You know better

I’m not sure what tending your heart needs. Truthfully, even sitting down to write something after so many months is a form of tending for me as well. My biggest suggestion is leave space for a pause. Those pauses give Him the opportunity to speak to the deepest levels of who we are, but either didn’t know existed or didn’t know how to deal with.

He is a trustworthy gardener. What do you need to do to allow Him to tend to your heart?